Hopeless in love

I never meant for none of this to happen. I only wanted to be happy for once in my life. I've had so many dead end relationships that I was so very hopeful that this one would work. It seemed so good in the beginning. Omar showered me with roses every other day. He would run my bath water with lit scented candles all around. Bathe me and comb my hair after work. Oh that man knew how help relieve stress. Lets not go there with the sex, oh my GOD he would do things to my body that would make the dead turn over. I looked at him one day and said, " you know you going to hell for that right?" I could never get enough of me some Omar.
It was last winter things changed. I started working overtime a lot with the law firm and he got laid off all at the same time. He didn't even want to tell me. He kept it from me for two weeks before I came home to get some files I'd forgot and seen him on the couch. Hurt but more mad as hell, I must have threw everything in sight at that man. I begged him to find a job and help with the bills but he fell in such a depression I couldn't get him out. I said " get some help please for us", he said " only if it was that easy. Im not you I don't have a college education and parents to back me up". One day during a heated argument he even tried to say I probably slept my way to where I was. Really? What man that claims he loves his woman with all the respect and honesty in the world would say that?
Slowly but surely the disrespect increased and then came the night when this sorry ass bastard decided he would put his hands on me. My mother never got hit and neither did anyone else I knew. I didn't know how to react at first I was in complete shock. By the look on his face so was he. Tears ran down his face before I could focus my next breath to come out. He walked away and just left me on the floor holding my face. I didn't know what to do next. I really thought he would turn and finish the job. Instead he left.
I didn't hear from him for two weeks. Just out of the blue he knocked on the door and began to apologize over and over again until we were rolling around between the sheets like two wild beast in heat. For the next three months every time he would get bad news or had a rough day in general I was his punching bag. Then I found out I was pregnant and I swore this would change things. well when he found out I ended up in the hospital for two weeks and in court for three trying to keep him away from me. I never thought I would be put in such a situation like this. I fell hopeless in love with a monster that I tried over and over to tame but he tried to kill me in the end............

A hopeless child

I walked into the room and noticed things were different. All my makeup and hair supplies were moved off the dresser and placed in a messy pile in the bathroom draw. I always made it a point for my often OCD moments to benefit me in everywhere possible. Everything was placed where I could get to it on my way to work. I had no time to search or guess where my things were. I had gotten this habit from my prison days. Doing three years lock down will give anybody habits that are hard to break. So it was very unusual for things to be out of place. Now here it is after work hours and things are not in place. Damn I'm just glad I caught it when I did. Having a child isn't that easy when your use to having your own space and time. My three year old daughter was a real handful and always gave me a reason to scream. She was always making messes and breaking things. I was an only child so I really never knew what it was to share my private space. Hell her father begged me to move him in but I just cant see myself sharing my space, I need to breathe like the next person. By the time I broke up with him I was already pregnant. If I had it my way she would never have made into this world. My mother had everything to do with that. Then she had the balls to die on me. Left me alone with a child I never wanted and had nobody else to give to. Damn her for that. I have to always clean behind this damn girl and its getting on my last nerve. I haven't been out in months because nobody wants to watch her bad ass. I work like a slave and cant even release. I have been thinking about adoption but I just don't know what people will say. I am glad she is sleeping right now because then that means I would have to handle this now and I really don't feel like it. Some people would say that I am selfish but guess what? I don't care. They don't live my life so how could they judge me.
As I walk through my apartment I think back to my childhood. I always had to bare witness to my mothers company every night waking me up with the loud noises. Moans, screams things breaking, the smell of sex and beer and not of cookies and hams or cornbread or mom planning PTA meetings. A normal life is something I just cant even imagine. I always thought the life my mother lived was what we was suppose to live. Living in the projects, walking over needles and urine. Homeless people begging for my lunch money or crack or even food stamps.............