A hopeless child

I walked into the room and noticed things were different. All my makeup and hair supplies were moved off the dresser and placed in a messy pile in the bathroom draw. I always made it a point for my often OCD moments to benefit me in everywhere possible. Everything was placed where I could get to it on my way to work. I had no time to search or guess where my things were. I had gotten this habit from my prison days. Doing three years lock down will give anybody habits that are hard to break. So it was very unusual for things to be out of place. Now here it is after work hours and things are not in place. Damn I'm just glad I caught it when I did. Having a child isn't that easy when your use to having your own space and time. My three year old daughter was a real handful and always gave me a reason to scream. She was always making messes and breaking things. I was an only child so I really never knew what it was to share my private space. Hell her father begged me to move him in but I just cant see myself sharing my space, I need to breathe like the next person. By the time I broke up with him I was already pregnant. If I had it my way she would never have made into this world. My mother had everything to do with that. Then she had the balls to die on me. Left me alone with a child I never wanted and had nobody else to give to. Damn her for that. I have to always clean behind this damn girl and its getting on my last nerve. I haven't been out in months because nobody wants to watch her bad ass. I work like a slave and cant even release. I have been thinking about adoption but I just don't know what people will say. I am glad she is sleeping right now because then that means I would have to handle this now and I really don't feel like it. Some people would say that I am selfish but guess what? I don't care. They don't live my life so how could they judge me.
As I walk through my apartment I think back to my childhood. I always had to bare witness to my mothers company every night waking me up with the loud noises. Moans, screams things breaking, the smell of sex and beer and not of cookies and hams or cornbread or mom planning PTA meetings. A normal life is something I just cant even imagine. I always thought the life my mother lived was what we was suppose to live. Living in the projects, walking over needles and urine. Homeless people begging for my lunch money or crack or even food stamps.............